I got married yesterday on January 13th, 2018.
I can honestly can say it was best day of my entire life. My new husband is an absolutely wonderful man and I love that I get to spend the rest of my life with him. Since weddings are notoriously high stress, I thought that I should make a post about it while it’s still all fresh in my mind.
Once the actual ceremony started, the stress mostly melted away, but earlier in the day, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit on edge. It wasn’t that I was nervous about getting married – I was just nervous something would go wrong. There were a lot of homemade aspects and little details I did with help from family and friends that I was worried might not work out or would fall apart, plus my hair in the morning took longer than I’d expected, meaning that I had about ten minutes to help set up and look over the reception hall decorations (which we did completely on our own) before I had to go to my parents’ house to get ready.
I realized the best thing to do to help deal with the stress of the day is to have someone with you who is completely chill. When the people around me were panicked, stressing, anxious, or in a rush, then I felt panicked, stressed, anxious, and needing to rush. Not that I didn’t feel stressed and anxious on my own, but having people around me who were helpful and chill about everything, telling me that it was all okay, that helped incredibly.
When I went to get my hair done, I was incredibly nervous. I haven’t had my hair done professionally in about eighteen years. I’ve had people play with it before, which always puts me a bit on edge, but I’ve never sat down as an adult in a hair salon and let anyone do things to my hair. My brother gave me a fidget cube recently, and between that and a very chill and helpful bridesmaid, I got through sitting still for three hours while someone I didn’t know well turned my hair into a beautiful creation.
Another thing that I did to help alleviate stress was doing my own make-up. While not everyone is comfortable doing their own make-up, I’m a million times less comfortable having someone else do my make-up, and I happen to know how to do it from years of performances. I would suggest doing your own or having someone you know and trust do it for you, to avoid strangers touching your face, assuming make-up is something you want. There’s no rule against going make-up less on your wedding day, even if you’re a bride, especially if it’s a sensory thing. You don’t want to be focusing on how heavy your eyelashes feel when you’re marrying someone you love.
At the actual ceremony, I only vaguely remember there being people around us. I was hyper focused on my immediate area – on my handsome, charming Evan, on our officiant, on our wedding party, and immediate family. We were in a beautiful outdoor clearing in the woods, with a lovely canopy of trees overhead, and perfect weather. Being with my now husband made the stress melt, and I could just focus on us.
Some people there were aware I don’t like hugs, and that was fantastic. I could greet people and be happy, without having to get overwhelmed too much by hugging a lot of people, about a quarter I’d only just met. Family, close friends, and children I have no problem hugging – for everyone else who went in for a hug, I gave light, quick hugs. A good excuse to avoid hugs at a wedding is to have your bouquet in front of you – though that only works so well because they then expect you to move it out of the way to wrap your arms around them. A better one is an elaborate hairstyle that might be messed up by hugs, or a very large poofy dress that makes it difficult for people to get close. They’ll still try, and if there’s people you want to hug it makes for an interesting challenge, but it sorta worked. Only problem with a large poofy dress is having to go to the bathroom. I managed by myself, thank goodness, so it is possible, if a little difficult. Make sure there’s a decent sized handicap stall available if you have a large dress like that – mine wouldn’t fit into a normal stall.
If you want to be 100% certain you don’t get unwanted hugs because you know it’ll overwhelm you, I’d say go as far as to have a sign somewhere that says “The Bride/Groom is autistic – please do not hug her/him! Thank you!” You can also have someone nearby informing people as they approach to please not hug you, so that you don’t have to tell everyone every two seconds that you prefer no hugs.
The food we got to taste in advance, so I knew it would be enjoyable. I had one of my favorite comfort foods – garlic mashed potatoes – in the buffet, which made me feel great instantly. Food makes people feel good. Familiar food that you’ve tasted before to check for texture and taste is even better. Make sure that wherever you get your caterer from for any event, but especially a high stress event like a wedding, lets you have a tasting of all the foods you’ll get. It gives you an extra something to look forward to on the day.
One thing that was kind of annoying was that the music got very loud, louder than was comfortable. It wasn’t the only reason I stepped out a few times (friends were socializing in the cool night air outside, and I wanted to join!), but it was definitely a factor. It hurt my ears at some points. This is partially my bad: I hadn’t talked to the DJ in advance about not liking noises too loud like that. I’m the kind of person who’ll bring ear plugs to movie theaters. Make sure that if you have music of any kind – live band, DJ, chamber music quartet – that you talk to them about your needs and stress the importance. DJs in general seem to have a program that they stick to, and are hesitant to deviate even when asked. Lowering volume is deviating from their programming, and I think it needs to be stressed the importance of sensory issues to ensure that they get it. Not a universal truth of course, but a possibility to be aware of. If they start getting too loud, but you’re socially awkward like me and afraid of asking more than once for them to turn down the volume because you don’t want to come across as pushy, send someone you trust to tell them on your behalf. Another option could be to come prepared with earplugs for yourself, but that would likely be seen as being anti-social, so it’s better to just make the DJ listen to your request by stressing its importance in advance.
The same should be said of a playlist. If you are particular about what sort of music you listen to, you need to be firm about it. I had a playlist, of which I heard a few songs from it during the first half of the event. It wasn’t until my parents went up to the DJ and told him to actually play the songs we requested and specially downloaded that they started playing some of the songs I really wanted to hear. There were still a lot we didn’t get to hear, including family favorites and a few that were supposed to be pleasant surprises for special people. I wanted songs by the Beatles, the Monkees, David Cassidy, the Carpenters, Ofra Haza, P!nk, Mystery Skulls, and several others, and I heard zero from any of those performers. Maybe one or two played while I stepped out, but I had a significantly long song list that was neglected.
From this experience, I think the best advice I have for those who are picky about music is to make a playlist and enthusiastically and dramatically forbid anything not on the playlist from being played. This is a bit difficult because you need to make sure to have enough to fill the entire amount of time of the reception, but it might be worth it. If it’s not stressed strenuously, the DJ will likely slip into their usual programming.
I think I’m unusual in enjoying larger parties, like bar/bat-mitzvahs and weddings. I’m the sort of autistic who wants to be social, but is terrified of it. I love dancing, and with the right people there to make the space feel safe for me, I can get really into it and have a fantastic time, which I did! But for those out there for whom the idea of a large dance party sends you into a cold sweat, I have a suggestion. Go small, quiet. Invite a handful of close people – I’m talking six to twelve, more or less depending on your comfort level – and get married at someplace you’re comfortable like a family living room. Get someone you know, trust, and are comfortable with to get a quick license to marry from the state, and either have a nice home-cooked meal if someone’s willing to make it, get take-out from your favorite restaurant, or maybe go out to your favorite restaurant afterwards. It’s your day. You don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Be with people who make you happy. Have food you enjoy. Have the atmosphere that makes you feel good. You do what you and your fiancé enjoy, and make your wedding something you’ll look back fondly on.
For me, I’ll never forget how happy I was hearing Evan read me his vows, and how glad I was I wore water-proof mascara while reading mine to him. He’s everything I could ask for in a husband, and our wedding day was a dream come true.
Tomorrow we pack for our honeymoon, and we leave on Tuesday to go to France. We’ll be back at the end of January, and I’m sure I’ll have notes about the autistic experience of traveling in a foreign country. Until then!
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